Things I Learned from Hurricane Katrina

Some time ago, the grade schools in our community assigned their students the task of writing or drawing what they learned from Hurricane Katrina. Here is my list.

1. Things I learned from the hurricane itself:
   • Hurricanes suck! (That's what causes them.)
   • Blessings can sometimes be extremely well camouflaged.
   • Bad news tends to be more accurate than good news.
   • Most people who profess to love everyone want hurricanes to hit somebody else.
   • People pray a lot before hurricanes, but they don't go to church as much.
   • Most medals for police valor are awarded posthumously.
   • Pumps don't get rid of water, they just move it somewhere else.
   • No disaster plan has ever survived the onset of the disaster.
   • Main battle tanks are essentially immune to hurricanes.
   • Nobody has enough fresh batteries.
   • Safes float.
   • "Your call is very important to us" is a lie.
   • A disaster is inherently chaotic. If it were controlled, it would be called an "event."
   • If it works, it isn't stupid. Immoral, maybe, but not stupid!
   • The more communication equipment you have, the less likely it is to be compatible with anyone else's equipment.
   • It is not possible during an emergency for somebody to attend to every problem.
   • It is usually unwise intentionally to annoy a person carrying a gun.
   • It is not a good idea to be on welfare. Necessary, perhaps, but not a good idea
   • Battleships make good hurricane shelters.
   • It is easier to manage a city you are the mayor of if you are in it.
   • Beachfront boardwalks are a good source of high-priced automatic battering rams.
   • Money spent on glittery church ornamentation would be better spent on stronger walls.
   • It is usually unwise to stand near someone annoying a person carrying a gun.
   • The more secure a building is, the fewer restrooms it contains.
   • There is finite probability that a sufficiently powerful storm surge will exceed any given height.
   • During a disaster, anything you do can get you hurt or killed, including nothing.
   • During an extended emergency, male newscasters tend to forget to shave.
   • "All customer service representatives are currently assisting other customers" is a lie.
   • The damage done by a hurricane to any structure has no relationship to how, or even if, it was insured.
   • It is usually unwise to stand anywhere behind someone annoying a person carrying a gun.

2. Things I learned during the evacuation:
   • Hurricane evacuation traffic should not be routed through an underwater tunnel.
   • Evacuating someplace without another place to go is called "milling around."
   • Onlookers do not contribute anything useful to an emergency obstetric delivery.
   • The best evacuation route is probably choked with incoming rescue vehicles.
   • Opening more highways to evacuating traffic just creates bigger traffic jams.
   • If you can see the police, they can see you.
   • The easiest route out of town contains at least one insuperable obstacle.
   • If the evacuation is going well, a large, vocal group has been left behind.
   • "Support the Troops" stickers really support only those who make and sell them.
   • Your speed on any evacuation route is determined by a restriction you haven't even encountered yet.
   • Most clogged Interstates are paralleled by smaller highways with very little traffic.
   • Most police officers do not understand the concept of traffic control. Interruption, yes. Control, no.
   • Crowd control is basically impossible. "Containment" is about all the police can do.
   • The only thing easier to lose than one's sense of time is an armed incendiary device.
   • There is no activity so essential that one cannot find some moron interfering with it.
   • One should avoid carpooling with anyone more aggressive than himself.
   • It is not possible to evacuate to Walt Disney World.
   • Friends shouldn't let friends drive on "Empty."
   • It is exceptionally difficult to get off an Interstate highway going the wrong way.
   • Being in labor in a traffic jam is rarely a good thing.
   • Most police officers do not like to be called "doughnut belly."
   • Traffic control actually does not involve checking for illegal drugs, the wearing of seat belts, or the expiration date of anything.

3. Things I learned from New Orleans (and Louisiana in general):
   • I survived Katrina because Ray Nagin is not my mayor.
   • New Orleans police do not understand the difference between the long thin paved areas and the small rectangular ones.
   • Most people who steal guns don't really know how to aim them.
   • On the whole, the Country would be better off if New Orleans would evacuate to the south.
   • In an emergency, the things black people need most are plasma TVs, stereos, guns and 27 pairs of new shoes.
   • There are no other Google entries for "the competence of Ray Nagin."
   • In the United States, it takes basic ability, years of training and constant practice to become really poor.
   • Most New Orleans police officers are also New Orleans residents.
   • Some people think they deserve a home after a disaster even if they didn't have one before.
   • There are those who believe "taking care of momma" is a government function.
   • Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco really detest each other.
   • There are times when you just have to get off your fat butt and do something for yourself.
   • Being black is rarely a qualification for public office.
   • People who want most from the government pay the least taxes.
   • "My ancestors was slaves" can be used as an excuse for anything.
   • People who claim they know who all their great, great, great, great, great grandparents were really don't.
   • Even people like Ray Nagin can get a master's degree from Tulane University.
   • There is no historical evidence of the survival of any city composed entirely of chocolate.
   • Being a woman is rarely a qualification for public office.
   • It costs the city of New Orleans over sixteen dollars to fill one pothole.
   • It is not possible to tell from a helicopter which refugees are worse off.
   • New Orleans people have no idea how long ninety days is.
   • Some people think the federal government should take them to raise.
   • Shooting at people who are trying to help you rarely accomplishes anything worthwhile.
   • Most people don't know that latrines can be dug anywhere there is ground.
   • Democracy is essentially mob rule. It works only if the mob is sufficiently educated and wise.
   • Nature abhors New Orleans.

4. Things I learned after the hurricane:
   • In an emergency, you can cook with gasoline, but you have to know what you're doing.
   • Very few five minute meals take less than 15 minutes to prepare.
   • There are large numbers of people who confuse Uncle Sam, Santa Claus, and Robin Hood.
   • Somebody's National Guard does not understand the meaning of the Fourth Amendment.
   • MREs taste better if you haven't eaten anything for several days.
   • There is no upper limit to what people want from the government, as long as they don't have to pay for it.
   • The more important a message is, the less reliable the communications will be.
   • There are very few American women who know where it is appropriate to wear shower shoes.
   • Children tolerate even major disasters very well as long as the adults around them aren't freaking out.
   • Some people believe that it is immoral for young women to help elderly men by sitting and talking to them.
   • Disaster recovery is not promoted by the influx of chronically homeless people.
   • People who believe they can do anything have never tried thoracic surgery.
   • The important things in a disaster are always simple.
   • Most bottled water is just water in a bottle.
   • There are very few items that cannot be used as field expedient toys.
   • People who have never worked for a living truly believe that they deserve to get free what other people have to buy.
   • Most people have no idea of what FEMA does. Many of them are politicians.
   • Dolphins are not born with the knowledge of how to catch fish.
   • Nobody admits to getting any help from the Westboro Baptist Church.
   • Only ignorant people confuse criticizing and helping.
   • In an emergency, government notices can be used as toilet paper; and at other times, too.
   • There are no reasons to wear a hat backward except those that rely heavily on basic stupidity.
   • One thing good about being overweight is that people tend to get out of your way.
   • No military unit has ever passed an inspection while engaged in relief of a major disaster.
   • "Irreplaceable" does not mean "really necessary."
   • "Mom and pop" businesses are rarely owned or operated by anybody named "Mom" or "Pop."
   • Some people think they really need three cases of free air fresheners.
   • The simple things in a disaster are always hard.
   • It is not possible to buy the correct repair parts for a vinyl fence.
   • Martial law is not the same as tyranny. Military officers should be taught that.
   • Meals, Ready to Eat, aren't.
   • Navy SeaBees look just like Army Engineers except for incomprehensible rank insignia and really cool hats.
   • During a disaster, most problems can be effectively resolved by the appropriate application of high explosives.
   • If you are a military person assigned to disaster relief, it helps to be a general.
   • People can get by with significantly less stuff than they think they can.
   • Most Americans tend to believe bad things said about their government.
   • If you ignore a problem, it will become a catastrophe.
   • Teenagers would rather buy ratty jeans from a high-priced store than from someone who could really use the money.
   • There are very few places during a disaster where you can buy nuc-mam.
   • There is no practical limit to how slovenly American women are willing to appear in public.
   • If someone has turned off all his utilities and locked and bolted his doors, he probably wants his dead bodies left alone.
   • Most female customer service representatives do not understand the concept of customer service.
   • Leaders suffer as much as other people from catastrophes; they just don't bitch about it as much.
   • Nobody knows the best way to distribute truckloads of baby food and diapers.
   • Money won't solve allthe problems associated with a disaster, but it is way ahead of whatever's in second place.
   • Most government agencies that receive threatening telephone calls have Caller ID.
   • Some people think tattoos and jewelry are more important than flood insurance.
   • The most effective way to eliminate mold is nuclear weapons.
   • George Carlin was right. If you've lost all your stuff, you really don't need a house.
   • Looking for problems is self-perpetuating.
   • It is possible to overload a trash truck, but Nature takes care of that.
   • People who need insurance probably ought to buy some.
   • You can possibly drown moles, but you have to fill them with lead shot and drop them in the deepest part of the ocean.
   • There is no effective way to get spray paint off a brick wall.
   • Insurance policies that don't specifically say that they cover damage by flood do not, in fact, cover damage by flood.
   • If you can bend a potato chip, it probably won't taste good.
   • Bitching about mosquitoes and gnats does not keep them from biting you.
   • It is not possible effectively to unbend an aluminum bicycle.
   • The hard things in a disaster are always important.
   • If you have run out of something, the resupply truck is probably broken down, too.
   • Things that must be put together to work cannot be shipped together.
   • If all your neighbors were flooded out, you probably were, too, especially if you didn't have flood insurance.
   • It takes years of training to know exactly how much water it takes properly to heat an MRE.
   • It takes a certain amount of time to get a FEMA trailer, regardless of how badly you need one.
   • The Church of Scientology has volunteer ministers.
   • Most things are in refrigerators because they really need refrigeration.
   • Very few public projects get accomplished without a deadline.
   • Rescue workers should use the same way to find people newscasters use.
   • Time spent demonstrating is time not spent on doing anything useful.
   • Business "mission statements" generally indicate a basic lack of understanding of what the business does.
   • One should be very careful when dealing with any insurance company with the name "State" in it.
   • These days, the most emulated character on "Star Trek" is Lieutenant Uhura.
   • Most people believe laws don't apply during a disaster, especially to them.
   • Talking geckos do not contribute significantly to the value of an insurance policy.
   • If you have saved food and water for yourself, people who didn't will expect you to give them some.
   • Most Mississippi people have no idea what is meant by the phrase "eighteen months."
   • Most emergency supplies are produced by the lowest bidder.
   • A Walkman or iPod is not an essential item of clothing.
   • Most people don't understand what the portable toilet lid is for.
   • The idea that there are certain places you shouldn't take cell phones escapes most women.
   • The government will eventually find out if you lied to receive money from it.
   • What one believes constitutes an emergency is inversely related to his ability to plan.
   • If you pay attention to a problem, it will go away.
   • There is something incongruous about an Amish person with a cell phone.
   • Politicians always give press conferences at a safe distance.
   • High school and college students make really good disaster workers.
   • American teenagers like to look poor as long as they have valid credit cards.
   • You don't get to break the law with impunity just because you're stupid.
   • Some people don't understand that insurance companies are supposed to pay less in claims than they collect in premiums.

5. Things I learned from God's Katrina Kitchen:
   • Christian poop is just as nasty as the regular kind.
   • The number of ways any scriptural passage can be interpreted by X Protestants is two (to the X power) minus one.
   • A large number of religious denominations consider the mark of a Christian to be a tee shirt.
   • You really don't need to know what a guy who doesn't get his hair or beard cut thinks.
   • You almost never see an Easter bunny wearing a yarmulke.
   • Religious volunteers are most likely to feel that whatever they are doing is what disaster victims really need.
   • Most evangelists think it's OK to start arguments with people who aren't even talking to them.
   • Charitable organizations simply refuse to believe that they are in any way responsible for a black market.
   • Vagrants rarely have attractive spouses.
   • Any damn fool can pass himself off as clergy.
   • The basic difference between motorcycle riders and vagrants is that the motorcycle riders ride motorcycles.
   • Very few Protestants have ever heard of Gladly, the cross-eyed bear.
   • Some Christian denominations believe that victims of a disaster are probably all ignorant heathens.
   • Women take most disagreements with their beliefs personally.
   • People who insist upon being identified as "Reverend" usually aren't.
   • Blind faith is an effective substitute for education only if you happen to be a fool.
   • The worth of an idea has nothing to do with the number of people who agree with it.
   • It is surprising how passionately some religious people maintain that it doesn't matter what a person believes.
   • It takes very little theological training to believe that God really wants you to do what you feel like doing anyway.
   • If you get a sufficiently large number of Protestants together in one place, they will start putting up a really big tent.
   • There really are western religions that teach that their adherents can do no wrong.
   • Clergymen should not be allowed access to public address systems except in church, and maybe not then.
   • Some people are so holy that it is impossible not to offend them.
   • Preachers about other people's religions generally don't know very much about them.
   • People who like to quote Scripture a lot generally have only a vague idea of what it means.
   • Portable toilets should not be located where people stand in line to get hot meals.
   • People who are opposed to teaching evolution in school generally haven't gone through much of either.
   • Few chronically homeless people have good dental plans.
   • A sufficiently large number of religious relief workers will begin to believe the victims should be helping them.
   • Mennonites are really fun people.
   • The Six Blind Men of Hindustan were probably a Bible study group.
   • There are still those who maintain that if you believe something hard enough, it will eventually become true.
   • Some people believe it is a good deed to interrupt every single person in a food service facility to praise the cooks.
   • There is a secret list of dirty, dirty, dirty words. "Nipple" is one of them. (Plumbers and mechanics, beware!)
   • If you feed them, they will come!

John Lindorfer