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Jon Stewart, the former host of The Daily Show temporarily took over for Stephen Colbert on The Late Show on June 28, 2018, geared up to perform one hell of a monologue. This is what he said:
"Hello, Donald. It's me, the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish on Twitter."
"I know you're upset about all the criticism you've been taking in the 'fake news' and the 'fake late-night shows.' It's just that we're all still having a little trouble adjusting to your presidency as it goes into its 500th year."
"Everything's off its axis, it's a little unusual. Apparently, now Putin and Kim Jong-un are noble, intelligent role models, and Canada's a bunch of giant assholes. Like, that's hard to get used to, you're re-doing the post-war alliances only this time we're with the Axis Powers."
"If there's one hallmark to your presidency that I think we're finding the most difficult, it's that, no matter what you do, it always comes with an extra layer of gleeful cruelty and dickishness."
"It's not just that you don't want people taking a knee, it's that they're 'sons of bitches' if they do. It's not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault, it's saying they were too ugly anyway. You can't just be against the media, they're 'enemies of the people.'"
"It's not even partisan. If anyone in the Republican Party dares to speak against you, they have to be humiliated, even if they have a terminal disease. Which brings us to immigration..."
"Boy, you fucked that up!"
"It's the seminal example of the Trump Doctrine. Its goal is best expressed by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian: 'Crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.' Yes, you're only happy if you hear the lamentation of the women."
"You could have absolutely made a more stringent border policy that would have made your point about enforcement. But I guess it wouldn't have felt right without a Dickensian level of villainy. You casually separated people seeking asylum from their children, from babies."
"It made me realize something: You may be orange, you may like hamburgers, you may be a clown, but you are no Ronald McDonald! I had to say it. It's true!"
"You're a businessman. Let's negotiate for just an end to this gratuitous dickishness. What can we give you? You dig the dictator thing, how about we give you a great big building with golden toilets with your name in giant letters..." (Steven Colbert whispers in his ear...)
"That's where he lived?"
"All right, how about we give you a whole news network that will spend 24 hours a day, praising everything you do..." (Colbert whispers in his ear again...)
"Named for a small animal? Damn it!"
"All right, let's just go full on arch villian. How about we have a large volcano destroy the home state of your arch enemy, Barack Obama?" (Colbert whispers in his ear one more time...)
"He fucking destroyed Hawaii????"
"Clearly we are not going to negotiate or shame you into decency!"
"But there is one place where I will draw the line. I won't allow you or your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue, like:"
Sean Hannity: "The President is a fighter!"Jon Stewart again: "A 'majority of the American People' aren't assholes!"Sarah Huckabee-Sanders: "He's tough, he's a fighter, he's a strong leader, and he deeply loves this Country."
Anthony Scaramucci: "He's a very compassionate human being."
Lou Dobbs: "Donald Trump is the exact right leader we need at this frightening time to make sure that America still leads."
Representative Chris Collins (R): "Donald Trump is NOT a racist!"
Monica Crowley, The Washington Times: "He talks like a guy from Queens."
California Congressman Duncan Hunter (R): "Donald Trump talks like the majority of the American People talk."
"He doesn't talk like the majority! He doesn't talk like the majority of the American People; he talks more like a gerrymandered minority that shrewdly played the Electorial College. You know, as the great Abraham Lincoln once said, 'I am the least racist person you've ever met. The blacks, they love me!' (I'm sorry, that was YOU!)"
"But what Lincoln said in his Cooper Union Speech was to point out what the Southern slave holders really wanted for the free states; 'This and this only: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right.' It was on this point that Lincoln said the Union could not bend."
"What Donald Trump wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. And this we cannot do. And I say, by not yielding, we will prevail!"
Amen! - John Lindorfer