God and the Cockroach

Back when God first started creating things, He created the angels. But angels were invisible and didn't leave footprints and were hard to keep track of, and half of them were rebellious anyway, so God decided to create something a little more substantial.

First He created light, but the light was runny and gloppy and ran all over, so God made a firmament to contain it all. But the light still got on everything, so God made two pots, one big one and one small one, to be containers of the light. But bits and pieces of light were still scattered all over the firmament, even after God cleaned up.

So God decided to make something really durable. He made land and seas, and that turned out pretty well, so God made the seaweed and the other plants and the animals in the sea. At first a lot of them were ugly and funny looking, but as God practiced for a while, He made some really beautiful animals, like the sailfish and neon tetras.

God was so pleased with the plants and animals in the sea that He decided to create some plants and animals for the land. One of the first animals He created was the cockroach. He gave the cockroach one command, to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.

But the cockroach wasn't happy. "Just look at me," he said. "I'm creepy and crawly and disgusting and ugly! Why couldn't you make me beautiful like the tropical fish?"

"You don't understand," said God. "If I made you beautiful, you might become proud of yourself and your beauty, and start worshipping yourself instead of me, and forget that I am the Lord your God! You have no idea how much trouble that could cause!"

"But you made me dumb," responded the cockroach. "I can hear but I cannot speak. Why did you do that?"

"Well," God replied, "if I gave you the ability to speak, you might have started taking my name in vain or bearing false witness against your neighbors. You might have invented all sorts of different languages, just to make it difficult to communicate with one another. Trust me on this, you really wouldn't want to do that. It would cause no end of bad feeling."

"But I don't even have hands," the cockroach wailed. "Just these claws on the end of my legs. I can't do anything except scuttle around. Couldn't you have given me some kind of hands or paws or something?"

"You still don't understand," God persisted. "You are my creation. I love you. I made this wonderful environment for you to live in. I have made all my days holy for you. I just want you to eat and play and rest and make little cockroaches. If I had given you hands, you might have started working, and making things and putting work and possessions before relationships. You might have forgotten that all these days are my days. You might have started coveting things that aren't yours, and end up stealing from one another! I forbid, you could even have started ruining this beautiful environment that I have given you or building idols to worship instead of me! Believe me, you're better off without hands."

"Maybe so," the cockroach responded. "Still, what about sex. You made all of us look the same; males and females look alike! You didn't do that for the fish!"

"I didn't do enough with the fish," God said. "Most of them have very poor family relationships. Many of them don't have any family values at all. None! Zilch! I didn't want it to be that way with you. If I had made males different from females, you might start to covet one another's spouses or take each other in adultery. Your children might have tried to pit one parent against the other, or dishonor their fathers and their mothers. I saved you a lot of pain and heartache by making you all the way you are."

But the cockroach wasn't satisfied. "What about defenses?" the cockroach cried. "I have no defenses at all. I can't hurt a fly. How am I going to eat?"

"You can eat anything you want," God replied, "including each other when you die. I have also given you a love of darkness and enclosed spaces so you can be safe from harm. But if I had given you defenses, you would soon have turned them into offenses and started killing each other. See, you've started talking about hurting flies already. Why would you want to do that? The flies haven't done anything to you! You're much better off without weapons! Trust me on this!"

But the cockroach still wasn't satisfied, and said so. "I don't think you have enough faith in me," he said. "If you had wanted me not to do all those things, you could have given me a list or something. I certainly would have listened to you. After all, you're God!"

"That I am," said God, "and I am the one being in all this universe who doesn't have to have faith. I know everything. And I know that if I would have created you different than you are, you wouldn't be a cockroach! You'd be something else. There are enough things that aren't cockroaches as it is already! Everything I have created is good, including you. Be satisfied with what you are!"

So the cockroach scuttled off to start being fruitful and multiplying, while God continued creating other creatures. But after thinking about it a while He decided that maybe the cockroach had a point. So God began experimenting with all kinds of different animals. He created big animals like the elephant and the whale, and little animals like the flea and gnat. He created beautiful animals like the lion and the peacock, and plain animals like the mouse and the sparrow. He created strong hunter animals and swift prey animals and animals whose genders were so different that they looked like different species entirely. He created animals that squawked and chattered and whistled and squeaked, and animals with hooves and animals with four hands each. And God saw that each one of them was good!

So finally God decided that He had this creating business down pat, and He decided to create His greatest masterpiece. "This will be my finest work!" God said to Himself. "I'll make a man, a creator just like me, with knowledge and reason and free will. I will make him smarter than all the other animals, and more inventive and more powerful, and so beautiful that the males and females will love each other and want to be with each other all the time and paste pictures of each other in their lockers in high school. I will make him so loveable that I will want to share my life with him for all eternity, and become one of his members, and even die for them if need be!"

"And just to make it easy on him," God continued, "I won't put any restrictions on him for the first few million years or so; and then if he gets into trouble, I'll give a simple set of rules to follow or something like that so he won't get too badly hurt."

So God created man in His image, and gave him knowledge and reason and free will and power over all the other animals. And God gave the man the same command He had given the cockroach, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth."

But the man wasn't satisfied, and started whining and complaining and criticizing God."

"Look at these stupid feet," the man sneered. "Look at those useless little toes! They're good for nothing! I want hooves for running, and more legs so I can run faster than any of the other animals."

"You criticize me because you have not yet learned wisdom," God replied lovingly. "Two legs are quite enough. Those toes are to remind you of my special blessings for you, of all the other animals whose hands aren't as nimble and agile as yours. I have given you horses to ride if you want to go fast. If you want to go faster than that, invent railroad trains and automobiles and rocket ships."

"I want wings to fly," the man retorted. "I want to soar like the eagles and fly up in the stratosphere like the geese and the ducks, and swoop and glide like the terns and the pelicans!"

"You're too heavy to fly," God pointed out. "You'd have to have wings the size of China Clipper sails to do any flying. Look at the angels. They don't weigh anything at all, and look at the size of their wings! No, you're better off without wings. Everything you need is down here on the ground. If you want to fly, invent balloons and airplanes and helicopters."

"OK, then," the man responded. "I want fins or flippers. I want to swim and dive like the seals and the great whales!"

"Balderdash!" God said. "You swim well enough as it is. You can invent nets and fishhooks if you want to catch the fish. I'll even create some grunion and sea turtles for you so you can pick them up right off the beach. If you want to swim better than you do now, invent boats and submarines and aqualungs!"

"But you made me so vulnerable," the man complained. "There are animals out there on the land that can eat me alive! How much inventing am I going to do if I have to worry about them all the time?"

"Plenty!" God responded. "You can start by inventing spears and clubs and fire to keep the predators away and defend yourselves. While you're at it, you can invent cooperation and cooking. And you might consider cutting down on the time spent hunting and gathering by inventing ranching and farming. And come to think of it, it wouldn't hurt you to invent showers and bathtubs and soap and deodorant, either!"

"My eyes aren't good enough," the man complained, hoping to get a little more sympathy from God. "The predators can see much better than I can. I can't hardly see at all in the dark, and the sunlight is so bright it sometimes hurts my eyes! I haven't got a chance!"

"Don't give me that!" God replied. "I'm God, you can't pull that stuff on me! If you want to see better, invent telescopes and microscopes and television. If my sun is too bright for you, invent sunglasses. If you want to see in the dark, invent light bulbs and night vision goggles. And you may want to improve communication while you're at it. Try inventing radio and the telephones and Internet software."

"Well, OK," the man agreed hesitantly. "I'll try. But what about this sex thing? That woman you gave me, I don't understand her at all! I just know she's going to cause me all sorts of trouble!"

"You don't have to understand her," God sighed. "All you have to do is love her and cherish her and take care of her and her children. She's not going to do you any harm if you remember that you're still personally responsible to me. The woman is my greatest gift to you. You obviously need help doing my will; she's it! If you treat her right, she'll make you happier than you could possibly imagine!"

"Oh, boy!" the man exclaimed. "I see your point. Wow! Say, this being fruitful and multiplying thing isn't going to be half bad! In fact, It'll be fun. I'm going to do your will better than any creature you ever created. I'm going to do it better than all the other animals put together!"

God just looked at the man with exasperation and said, "Adam, to tell you the truth, as you know I always do, at this point I'll be satisfied if you're only as good at it as that cockroach over there!"

John Lindorfer