The Devil and Superman
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"All taken care of, Your Unholiness," Alzheimers replied. "I got George Reeves to whack himself, and I got rid of that Christopher guy by knocking him off a horse. We managed to exploit him to promote the idea of making people for repair parts of other people - like poor, unfortunate him! Heavy stuff!"
"Yes, yes, I know," the Devil mused, staring off into impenetrable darkness. "I liked the publication of those pictures of him slouched in that wheelchair with all those tubes and things sticking in him and no hair. Nice touch, that!"
"Thank you, sir" Alzheimers blushed slightly green.
"But that's not what I'm talking about!" The Devil seemed to snap back into the moment. "I'm talking about this!" He threw a movie magazine at his apprentice. "I'm talking about this 'truth, justice and the American way' crap! That fictitious good-doer has gotten way too popular again! There's entirely too much 'truth, justice and the American way' up there. I've got my hands full just running hell! I expect you to do something about things up there! I told you that Jefferson fellow was up to good!"
"Way ahead of you, Chief," Alzheimers almost (but not quite) interrupted. "I've been working on getting rid of the First Amendment!"
"First Amendment!!!" the Devil exploded. "You'd damned well better be working on getting rid of the First Amendment, Alzheimers! We just can't have any more of this 'freedom' nonsense!"
"You remember how it was in the old days." the Devil almost whined. "Church and state always getting into each other's business, but neither able to look the other in the eye! Oh, it was glorious - burning people at the stake, breaking them on the rack! All for being the 'wrong kind' of people or thinking the 'wrong' thoughts! Those were the days, Alzheimers! Those were the days!" The Devil slobbered with glee!
"But not any more! Now they can worship - 'Him' - any way they want. They can even worship money, or power or," - the Devil gave a shudder, - "sex! Nobody worships me any more. No notoriety. They wouldn't even be noticed."
"Maybe it's not all good," Alzheimers replied. "I've got a plan. You remember World War Two..."
"Do I!" the Devil shouted. "Over forty eight million violent deaths, the cream of the whole world's young men. Botulism! Gangrene! Whole cities aflame! Nuclear weapons! Everybody thinking - 'He' - was on their side! It was even better than the Inquisition, and that's saying something!"
"Right!" Alzheimers agreed. "It had all the basic elements. Just cause, 'war to make the world safe for democracy' and all that; authority of all the sovereigns involved, and the 'rightful intention of punishing evildoers.' We started it all with a single madman! We can do it again, Sir, full scale this time. The problem, as I see it, is that most sovereigns are smart enough not to want global thermonuclear war. The solution is to make the people elect another unprincipled demagogue who will lead them to ruin! We need to get the morons thinking once again that it'll be OK, that they can't lose anything important because they're doing - 'His' - will!"
"I don't know," the Devil mumbled. "Convincing anybody that war with thermonuclear weapons and intercontinental missiles and invisible bombers and over a billion human beings dead is a good idea - that might be a hard sell."
"Well, who here is the Father of Lies," Alzheimers teased. "You convinced the world's mothers that killing over 1.4 billion of their own babies was a good thing after all!" He danced a hasty jig and passed an impressive sulfurous fart. "Besides, we've already got Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Our sponsorship of ISIS seems to be gaining momentum, too! There's bloody well no freedom of worship, speech, press or assembly where they hold power, let me tell you! Once we get the Moral Majority on our side, it's in the bag! We're almost there as it is; they all believe that if the government doesn't endorse their particular brand of 'religion', it's opposing it!"
"Wow!" The Devil grinned eagerly. "Do go on!"
"Well," Alzheimers continued, "it all depends on labels and lies..."
"Labels and lies?!" the Devil exclaimed. "I invented lies. But labels? Alzheimers, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Most Americans are dumb as rocks," Alzheimers explained. "It comes from targeting their educational system to the slowest child. It's called 'No Child Left Behind.' They have trouble learning to talk, let along think! They don't even have an official language! They're taught that a few words mean good things: 'rights,' 'therapeutic,' 'gay,' 'Christian,' and others are bad: 'dictatorial,' 'slaughter,' 'queer,' 'atheist.' They really don't have any fundamental principles! All we have to do is use the right words, and we can convince them of anything!
The Devil grimaced. "Surely it can't be that simple! What about all those, uh," - the Devil shuddered again, - "Christians?"
"Christians my cloven foot!!" Alzheimers retorted peevishly. "Those 'Christian Americans' aren't any more Christians than 'African Americans' are Africans! They don't know beans about Christianity. It's just a label like everything else. Remember what - 'He' - said about 'love thy neighbor?' These hypocrites are comfortable with the idea as long as their neighbors all claim to be Christians. just like them. They don't actually do it, of course, but they're OK with the concept, as long it means loving only 'Christians,' just like the Crusaders. They don't have to be Christians, you understand; most of 'em aren't They just have to say they are."
"It's the same technique ISIS uses," he continued. "They say they're 'Muslims,' and instantly these so-called 'Christians' hate anyone else who claims he's a Muslim. It's the best way we've ever known of to start a war. They don't even blink at the thought of killing one fifth of the world's population, as long as they're not 'Christians.' Same with their attitude toward Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Wiccans, anyone of a different color or who speaks a different language, et cetera, et cetera. They are convinced that they answer only to a, if you'll excuse the expression, 'higher power.' They actually, truly believe that the basis for Christianity is the Ten Commandments, and that the United States is a 'Christian' country! 'Love thy neighbor!' Ha! That'll be the day!"
"Yes, I know," the Devil chuckled. "I started those lies myself. I am the Father of Lies, after all."
"But they've turned lying into an art form," Alzheimers pointed out. "Feeding the hungry and giving drink to the thirsty and clothing the naked and all that other stuff is just dog poop as far as they're concerned. They even pay those they despise to be poor! We're been working on substituting faith for works, and believe me, Chief, it's producing results!"
"You have examples, I suppose," the Devil ventured.
"You bet!" Alzheimers replied enthusiastically, rubbing his taloned hands together. "There was this guy 'Redneck Roy' Moore not too long ago. He got himself elected Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. We helped with that, but it was the Alabama Bible belters who actually did it. He hauled this big rock with 'God' written all over it into his courthouse, and within days his constituents were kneeling around it, saying prayers, singing..."
"You know I don't hold with those things," the Devil reminded him angrily.
"Well, if you want chilled money brains, you've got to chill a few monkeys," Alzheimers continued carefully. "Keep in mind that the whole purpose here was to highjack Alabama's greatest sanctuary of 'justice' and turn it into a church for a select bunch of self-righteous holier-than-thou simple-minded bigots! Would've worked, too, except for that uppity Federal Judge Myron Thompson. You can imagine how much 'freedom of religion' might happen if the highest court in the entire state openly favored only so-called 'Christians,' and uneducated, prejudiced, graven image worshipping 'Christians' at that!"
"Did it work?" The Devil asked, with obvious interest.
Alzheimers seemed to be examining his hooves. "Well, yes and no, Your Grossness," he admitted. "We created a lot of resentment and hostility toward the rule of law, of course, but the idol is gone, unfortunately. The good news is that 'Redneck Roy' is back in business. After the real jurists got rid of him, his disciples just reelected him again! Electing judges rather than having experienced legislators with some brains appointing them is really working out, by the way. I just wish we could get rid of the Supreme Court! Boy! Just think of the way those American schools screw up history and science! What couldn't they have done with diversity, or even the Bible!"
"Maybe we can pack the court with some of our guys," the Devil suggested. "It doesn't seem that hard to do. Or, we might be able to take them out one by one before the next election. Who's running this time?"
